For eleven years I begged my stubborn elderly father to allow a caregiver to help him with my ailing mother, but after 55 years of loving her, he firmly insisted on taking care of her himself. All the agencies and caregivers I hired to help him sighed in exasperation, “Jacqueline, we just can’t work with your father, his temper is impossible to handle. I don’t think you can get him to accept help until he’s on his knees himself.”
My dad had always been ninety percent cool, but boy-oh-boy that angry temper was unbelievable. He had never been angry with me before, but of course, I had never gone against his wishes. When my mother nearly died from an infection caused by her inability to care for her, I immediately flew home to try to save her life, having no idea that it would almost cost me mine in the process.
FIRST SIGNS OF DEMENTIA?
I spent three months caring for my 82-pound mother to regain relative health, while my father said he loved me one minute, but then I was infuriated by something trivial, insulted me, and kicked me out of the house the next. I was surprised to see him so upset, that even turning on the washing machine could cause nervousness, and there was no way to reason with him. It was so heartbreaking that my father, who once adored him, turned on me.
The doctor evaluated my father, but I was surprised that he could act so normal when he needed to! I couldn’t believe it when the doctor looked at me like I was the crazy one. He didn’t even take me seriously when I informed him that my father had almost electrocuted my mother, but thankfully I walked in three seconds before he plugged in a huge power strip plunging into a tub of water, along with my mother’s feet! Much later, I was infuriated to discover that my father had told his doctor (and everyone) not to listen to anything I said because I was just a liar and all I wanted was his money. (I wish I had some).
Then things got serious. My father never laid a hand on me in my entire life, but one day I nearly choked to death for adding HBO to his television, even though he had enthusiastically indulged it a few days earlier. Terrified, I called 911 and the police took him to a hospital for an evaluation. I was so shocked when they released him saying they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. What’s even more surprising is that similar incidents occurred three more times.
ATTENTION TO CAPTURE 22
Was caught. I couldn’t fly home and leave my mother alone with my father; he would surely die from his inability to care for her. I couldn’t make health professionals believe me; my father was always so sane in front of them. I couldn’t get any medication to calm him down and even when I finally did, he refused to take it, threw it in my face or flushed it down the toilet. I couldn’t get him to accept a caregiver and even when I did, no one would tolerate it for long. I couldn’t place my mother in a nursing home; he would take her out. I couldn’t put it in a house, it didn’t qualify. Both refused to live assisted, legally he could not force them. I became a prisoner in my parents’ home for almost a year trying to resolve crisis after crisis, crying rivers daily and enraged at an unsympathetic medical system that was not helping me adequately.
THE SPECIALIST IN GERIATRIC DEMENTIA MAKES THE RIGHT DIAGNOSIS
You don’t need a Ph.D. to know something is wrong, but you do need the right doctor who can properly diagnose and treat dementia. Finally, I ran into a neurologist specializing in dementia, and under the threat of being committed to a nursing home, my father finally agreed to go. The doctor performed a battery of blood, neurological, memory, and CT / PET scans. He reviewed my parents’ medications and ruled out reversible dementias like B12 or thyroid deficiency. And then he should have seen my face drop when he diagnosed both of my parents with Stage One Alzheimer’s, something all of his other doctors completely overlooked.
TRAPPED IN ANCIENT HABITS
What I had been dealing with was early Alzheimer’s disease (just one type of dementia), which starts off intermittently and seems to come and go. I didn’t understand that my father was addicted and caught up in the bad behavior of his life and his habit of yelling to get his way was getting away with things that were illogical … sometimes. I also didn’t understand that insane does not mean dumb (a concept that is not widely appreciated) and that he was still socially adapted to never show “Hyde” to anyone outside the family. Even with the onset of dementia, it was amazing that he could still be so manipulative and cunning. On the other hand, my mother was sweet and charming as she always had been.
BALANCE OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY
I learned that Alzheimer’s disease accounts for 60-65% of all dementias and that there is no stopping of progression and no cure. However, if identified early, there are medications that in most people can mask / delay the symptoms of the disease, keeping a person in the initial stage independent for longer, delaying full-time supervision and care in a nursing home. (Ask a dementia specialist about: Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne, and Namenda).
After the neurologist treated dementia and depression (often present with dementia) in both parents, he prescribed my father a small dose of anti-aggression medication that helped his temper without making him sleep all day. (I wish we had that fifty years ago.) Getting the dosages right and not perfect was not easy, but at least we had no more police intervention! Once my parents’ brain chemistry was better balanced, I was able to optimize nutrition, fluid intake, and all of their medications with much less resistance.
CREATIVE BEHAVIOR TECHNIQUES
Also, I was finally able to implement techniques to deal with strange behaviors. Instead of logic and reason, I used distraction, redirection, and reminiscence. Rather than discuss the facts, I agreed, validated the frustrated feelings, and lived in their realities. I learned to “go with the flow” and let nasty comments flow. And if none of that worked, an ice cream bribe worked to get my dad in the shower, even when he swore a blue streak that he just had one yesterday (over a week ago)!
Then finally, I was able to get my father to accept a caregiver (he had only kept 40 away that year, most of them there for about ten minutes), and with the benefit of adult daycare five days a week for them and a group of support for. For me, everything started to fall into place. It was wonderful to hear my father say one more time, “We love you so much, honey.”
ALZHEIMER / DEMENTIA OFTEN USED
What’s so shocking is that no one discussed the possibility of dementia with me that first year. They told me that my parents’ “old times” and strange behaviors were just old age and a “normal part of aging.” Given that one in eight by age 65, and nearly half by age 85, gets Alzheimer’s, it should have alerted me. If they had simply shown me the “Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s Disease,” I would have realized what was happening and would have gotten my parents the help they desperately needed. If any of this seems true to you or someone you love, I urge you to seek out a dementia specialist immediately.
If they had simply shown me the “Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s,” I would have realized a year earlier what was happening to my parents and knew how to get them to the right doctors to get the help they so desperately needed. If this rings true about you or someone you love, I urge you to get help from a dementia specialist right away.
TEN WARNING SIGNS FROM ALZHEIMER
(Reproduced with permission from the Alzheimer’s Association)
1. Memory loss
2. Difficulty performing familiar tasks
3. Language problems
4. Disorientation of time and place
5. Poor or diminished judgment
6. Problems with abstract thinking
7. Losing things
8. Changes in mood or behavior
9. Personality changes
10. Loss of initiative